blah
oh man i've had a pretty crappy few days here...i don't know when the last time i posted here was. last week i'm guessing. well to start, i missed wed-fri of the first week of second semester, so i'm in a leetle bit of shit. i was pretty sick, and i missed a volleyball game and a swim meet as well.

speaking of swimming...i wanna quit. it's just not fun anymore. i used to love going to practice, and i looked foreward to meets for weeks ahead of time, but now it's just like "oh god i don't wanna go to practice" and "meh...meet...sleep..." that kinda thing. the only thing is i don't wanna dissapoint dad by telling him i don't like it anymore. he puts so much time and effort into it, i don't want him to think it was all wasted. and it wasn't wasted - i had so much fun doing it before...when i was really good at it. i just don't wanna think about training and everything anymore. normally i would never do anything that big just because someone else wanted me to, but i really don't wanna dissapoint him or make him feel as though HE did something wrong. dude i feel like i'm trying to break up wiht a boyfriend here..."it's not you, it's me". hahaha. actually frightening when you think about it. but it really is the same, only once the boyfriend is gone, you never have to worry about him again (unless he turns into the freaky stalker type). but when i tell dad that i wanna quit swimming, he's gonna always be here, telling me that he's "proud of me" and that he "supports my decisions" and all that shit...the usual. i'll feel guilty even though that's not what he's trying to make me do.

all i really wanna be doing is playing my music...onstage, with my friends there with me, and a crowd of kids kicking the shit out of each other in a mosh pit. that's the only thing that will make me happy. i think about it all the time...especially when i'm at concerts. i jsut stand and watch the band, and think about what it would be like if that were ME up there, playing MY songs, with kids singing along.

but of course i don't even have a band anymore. looks like kelly might not work out with the Suits, but it's not like they'd take me in place. they don't need a bassist, coz brett rocks, and it's not like i can sing. plus, i wouldn't want to...i'd feel horrible, not to mention the whole awkward factor. and you never know...she might stay. that'd be cool, especially if they go somewhere, which i actually think they could, because they're actually really good.

volleyball is still sorta fun...playoffs are next week. after that, i'll have nothing to keep in shape other than swimming, and if i stop that, i don't know what i'll do. i might just run or something. not that it would do any good. i feel fat no matter what. i don't think a minute passes when i'm not thinking about the fact that i can feel extra weight sitting on my stomach and hips. i'm always self-concious and depressed about it. i'm not fat or anything, but i could lose 10 - 15 lbs and be a lot happier (and healthier). maybe i'll just stop eating. sounds good. i'm already eating vegan at home, and it wouldn't be that big of a step to just stop eating at home altogether. then i'd eat only during the day, and the only vegan things they sell at school are the garden salads, so i'd be eating only salad and fruit....

but i'm off...swim practice:( eh. now i get to go feel fat in a bathing suit...wheeeeee. maybe i should just die. then i wouldn't feel bad about anything. i mean, they wouldn't let you be fat in the afterlife, would they? that would be too cruel. if there is an afterlife that is. if not, then all my worries are over. nothing anymore, just blissful rest. no one and nothing to think about. peace, and eternal beauty. sounds peachy...maybe i'll give it another shot:)

bye

-A.