Current mood:	depressed
Current music:	siouxsie and the banshees - happy house

beer
i'm outta this shit hole in exactly 34 minutes (provided laura shows up on time). laura's driving me to rachel's house, where i'm staying this evening. then i'm heading over to jocelyn's and staying there overnight before we head to montreal by train tomorrow morning. my volleyball coach just called because i'm skipping practice (great example for the captain to be setting...) and i had to tell her i'm sick as a fucking dog...i hope to fucking god she doesn't talk to my mom...mom would rat me out in a second. i'm drinking my dad's last sleeman out of the fridge. i'm sure he'll notice, but i really don't care. i haven't had any alcohol in almost a week. and what's he gonna do? besides, it's all i've had to eat or drink all day. ehhh...

i feel like complete shit. i haven't talked to kelly, joe, brett, or cody in two days. i miss them. man i'm fucking pathetic. i've only really started hanging out with them as of last weekend...and i'm already depending on them. they'r so cool though...i feel completely accepted around them. i don't have to change anything about myself. they're like me in a lot of ways, only not fucked up. man i wish everyone were so nice to me.

i talked to julie for a while this morning. it was nice, just talking. not worrying about anything at all...just talking. it's so strange - we've been best friends for 13 years, and we hang out and talk constantly outside of school, but at school i never seem to see her. she's always hanging around with nicole and michelle. i sometimes get the feeling she's ashamed to be seen with me...coz of the way i look or something. i know she doesn't like that fact that i dress goth-y or punk-y...but i don't know if that's what keeps us from hanging out. maybe she's embarassed about the fact that i'm not into wearing ell things pink and fluffy and swooning over enrique iglasias...i don't know. i just don't know what to do. i love her so much but i don't ever want to change to it in with what somone else wants...maybe if i just die, no one will care anymore, and i won't have to worry about it.

shit someone from the volleyball just called again, but they didn't leave a message. it's times like this that i get paranoid and think "what if she's looking in my window? what if she knows i'm not sick? if she cansee me drinking, she'll know i'm not sick...and i'll get kicked off the team..." i'm such a fucking loser. i'm sure no one would miss me if i just shot myself or OD'd on something or slit my wrists...ehhh.

well i gotta go get changed. i'll check back on sunday night or monday...depending on when i get back. i love this journal...even if no one reads it, i still have a place to put everything i'm thinking about. it's kinda nice to have it under an alias as well, so no one knows who i am, even if they know me.