I Eat Babies' Journal

Sickness and blah.
Hung out with Kelly today! Yay! Haven't seen her in forever, because...I don't know why, just haven't. Anyway, went and saw her apartment (or the one she's probably going to get). It's tiny and grungy, but she'll probably go with it anyway.

Brayden called (at Kelly's. Hmmmm.) Said he's "too uncomfortable with the age difference". Alrighty. Surprisingly, I don't really care. Not that I don't care, but I don't feel horribly upset or anything. And he freaked because he said "a friend" gave him my journal ID (bullshit, he saw the client on my computer and looked it up, I'm betting. Oh well.) and he saw an entry from a few days ago when I accidentally put that I was in love with "he" instead of Julie being in love with him. Oops...change that...think I was a little cracked out that day. I don't think I can fall in love anymore. The sleazebag scarred me for life. Anyway, the only possible person I could ever feel that way about lives three hours away and has reverted to being a raging alcoholic once again. Bastard. I miss him though.

On the "normal life" front...wait, there are no normal lives here. Honestly, I think I may resort to violence, on myself or others, to deal sometime. Just re-read what I've written and most of it doesn't even make sense. And when I am not being obsessive about my grammar, we know something's wrong. I just feel like shit. And I don't know why. There's absolutely no reason for me to be depressed, and yet I can't seem to get out from the hold of the kind of cloud that's surrounding me. I don't want to feel this way anymore, but I don't know what to do. And I don't seem to give a fuck about anything anymore, except my bloody appearance, of course. Can't manage to be satisfied with that, now, can I. Have gained weight, I think. May have to have another three or four day fast sometime before I go to see Peracles. I can't handle being out with Julie and Jocelyn, both rediculously thin and pretty. *jealousy* I don't know why the fuck I am so preoccupied with this shit, it's meaningless. But every time I look in the mirror, I am unhappy, I hate myself, and I just want to be thin, just for one day, just....AHHHHHHH!

Oh, and one last note, if there are any people reading this who know me, don't be afraid to say hi. I don't give a shit anymore, so this journal is once again public. Not that anyone cares. So Sal and Meghan! You can read this now! I miss you ladies, call me. Now.

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Bella Morte - Fall no More