Thursday, January 30th, 2003

Time	Event
9:18a	ehhhhh... today is my last day at home before i head off to montr?al with my friend jocelyn. should be oodles of fun, but today i am going to have to put up with my volleyball coach working us to the ground. maybe i'll die so i don't have to go to practice...hmmmmm... i am about sick of the good charlotte boardies. i don't like the music anymore (i went through a teenie phase last year), but i still go on once and a while just because i like the people there, but lately it's all been "is [insert band member's name here] gay?" "OMG [insert band member's name here] is soooooo HAWT! i want, leik 1928674091276 of his babies! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!" or "kill the teenies". seriously, that's all they talk about, and i'm getting sick of it. ah well i guess i should just shut up and ignore them... i tried to slit my wrists again last night. i had a swiss army knife out and shit when my brother came in and started screaming like a fucking moron. he was crying and shit, so my parents came in and asked what was wrong. thankfully by that time i had the knife out of sight, and he didn't tell them what he saw...i don't wanna go back to the shrink they were trying to send me to. i don't know why i did it though. i just got that feeling...the overwhelming feeling of emptiness and uselessness. the feeling that nothing will ever go right again. it scares me now, because i don't want it to happen again. i just don't want to die. but i don't want to live either. oh god i'm so confused...AHHH! why does my life have to suck? thinking about it, it really doesn't suck. i made new friends last friday at this concert i went to...some of our local bands. my friends were acting like idiots and being "screaming groupies" and throwing bras, etc. onstage for one of our friends' bands, so i wandered off to talk to this girl Kelly who i kind of knew from school. we talked for a while then her boyfriend Brett and their friends Joe, Cody, and Beth showed up, so i hung out with them all night. we've been hanging out all week too, so i guess that's a good thing. anyone reading this...check out their band website (kelly, brett, cody, and joe.) they're called the suits, and i think they have some songs that you can d/l from the site. check them out, and leave them a message or something, coz they really like to hear from people who like their music. (they play ska-punk...really good shit). but don't tell them that you were referred by me, coz i don't want them to come read this and know that i'm depressed, etc. i hate it when people find out because they get either all weird and don't wanna talk to me, or they go all sympathetic and try to help. eh. yah that's it i'll shut up now... Current Mood: depressed Current Music: smashing pumpkins - ava adore (Comment on this)
9:20a	oops... i forgot to mention that their website is here this thing does take HTML, right? please work, motherfucker. (Comment on this)
10:07a	rawr. Take the What High School Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel. figures. then i took it again and got this: Take the What High School Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel. MAKE UP YER FUCKEN MIND, QUIZ! (Comment on this)
10:24a	holy shit...i'm fucken bored! Hooligan Bear Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You? brought to you by Quizilla Current Mood: blah Current Music: anti-flag - rotten future (Comment on this)
2:44p	beer i'm outta this shit hole in exactly 34 minutes (provided laura shows up on time). laura's driving me to rachel's house, where i'm staying this evening. then i'm heading over to jocelyn's and staying there overnight before we head to montreal by train tomorrow morning. my volleyball coach just called because i'm skipping practice (great example for the captain to be setting...) and i had to tell her i'm sick as a fucking dog...i hope to fucking god she doesn't talk to my mom...mom would rat me out in a second. i'm drinking my dad's last sleeman out of the fridge. i'm sure he'll notice, but i really don't care. i haven't had any alcohol in almost a week. and what's he gonna do? besides, it's all i've had to eat or drink all day. ehhh... i feel like complete shit. i haven't talked to kelly, joe, brett, or cody in two days. i miss them. man i'm fucking pathetic. i've only really started hanging out with them as of last weekend...and i'm already depending on them. they'r so cool though...i feel completely accepted around them. i don't have to change anything about myself. they're like me in a lot of ways, only not fucked up. man i wish everyone were so nice to me. i talked to julie for a while this morning. it was nice, just talking. not worrying about anything at all...just talking. it's so strange - we've been best friends for 13 years, and we hang out and talk constantly outside of school, but at school i never seem to see her. she's always hanging around with nicole and michelle. i sometimes get the feeling she's ashamed to be seen with me...coz of the way i look or something. i know she doesn't like that fact that i dress goth-y or punk-y...but i don't know if that's what keeps us from hanging out. maybe she's embarassed about the fact that i'm not into wearing ell things pink and fluffy and swooning over enrique iglasias...i don't know. i just don't know what to do. i love her so much but i don't ever want to change to it in with what somone else wants...maybe if i just die, no one will care anymore, and i won't have to worry about it. shit someone from the volleyball just called again, but they didn't leave a message. it's times like this that i get paranoid and think "what if she's looking in my window? what if she knows i'm not sick? if she cansee me drinking, she'll know i'm not sick...and i'll get kicked off the team..." i'm such a fucking loser. i'm sure no one would miss me if i just shot myself or OD'd on something or slit my wrists...ehhh. well i gotta go get changed. i'll check back on sunday night or monday...depending on when i get back. i love this journal...even if no one reads it, i still have a place to put everything i'm thinking about. it's kinda nice to have it under an alias as well, so no one knows who i am, even if they know me. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: siouxsie and the banshees - happy house (Comment on this)

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